Sunday, August 15, 2004

Guess who's still AWOL

Here's another story we can watch the media frantically disregard.

( - Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry has criticized President Bush's response to the 9/11 Commission report, insisting that he would do a better job of fighting the war against terror.

But according to the Republican National Committee, Kerry missed most of the public hearings when he sat on the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence between 1993 and 2000.

Scurrilous rumors say Paul Krugman and Molly Ivins will fight a cage match over who gets to ignore it first. Ok, yes, I did start them. Happy?

We can rest assured that he really would have reacted better to the report, because we already know he would have reacted better to 9-11. As for what a president Kerry might have done on 9-11 - well, sure, it may look like he's full of bunk when says he'd have acted immediately, but I've already cracked that nut.

Oh, but that was when he only had Senatorial Powers! If he had Presidential Super Powers, it all would have been different!

He would have leapt up, thrown down the book, and shoved the Secret Service aside as he dashed to the principal's office! Once there, he would have activated the Super-Secret Command Center that is built into every school, and been pulling levers and twisting dials before the consoles even stopped unfolding from the walls. Then, when he had personally directed every member of military and law enforcement personnel in his coordinated Super-Strategy (which would take ordinary mortals several days, but he could accomplish in mere seconds with those powers) he would have dashed into the hardened bunker disguised as a toolshed that every school also has and climbed into the mechanized rocket suit stored there!

He would have zoomed into the sky and wrestled the remaining two jets safely to the ground, gone inside and cleaned the terrorists out of both (without killing them of course, because he doesn't support the death penalty for terrorists... or does he? Whatever). THEN he would have flown around the world really fast like in Superman II to reverse time and stopped the WTC from being hit in the first place! And then he would have flown to Europe, so that he could bask in the warm glow of admiration that all Europeans would have had for America, detouring briefly to go hear the cheers of the middle east. Germans today would still wipe a small tear from their eye as they exclaim how blessed they are to be permitted to be our friends.

And this is precisely what we need a president Kerry for. Remember in November, he'll do the job. Even if it's someone else's job.


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