My hat's in the ring

Watching John Kerry, I've realized how very simple it is to run for president. I like simple things, and I'd like to be The Leader of the Free World™, so it is my pride and honor to announce my candidacy for the 2004 presidential election. Sorry I missed the debates, but here's my pitch.

Half of the lifetime of our sun is gone - squandered - and this arrogant administration has done nothing to prevent this. In four to five billion years, Sol will enter its red phase, expanding to such a size that it will envelop the Earth if our planet is not blown into outer orbit by the release of solar mass. Every form of life on this planet larger than a microbe will be destroyed, and this president can't even admit that he's done anything wrong! In 160,000,000 generations, our progeny will either die in a fiery inferno, suffocate on a planet blasted out of it's own atmosphere, or freeze to death in entropic energy loss when our star shrinks to a white dwarf.

In leading us in a rush to extinction, this president has recklessly condemned our entire species. He never, not even once, explored multilateral alternatives. He hasn't got a plan, no plan, to insure the survival of our species - and no other candidate does either. Well let me tell you, I am a man who has plans, and none of them involve destroying America!

Oh, and death to terrorists. I plan to kill all of them. And Tuesdays will be Senior Discount Day at the Ponderosa buffet.

It's not a tough choice. Write me in on Nov. 2.