Who else could say it with a straight face?

Ivory Coast accuses France of shooting civilians

The Government of the Ivory Coast is planning to take legal action against French troops accused of shooting civilians.

The Ivorian Government is taking its case to the International Court of Justice.

Ivory Coast accused French troops of killing up to 60 people during an anti-French demonstration in the commercial capital, Abidjan, last week.

Human Rights Minister Victorine Wodie says the perpetrators must be punished.

But France says its soldiers were not responsible for the killings.

But of course they weren't. Undoubtedly, some other people who just happened to look French decided to shoot up an anti-French protest. In fact, if these civilians were randomly shot in a fashion reminiscent of Genghis Khan, raped, with ears and heads cut off, I have a hunch who you should be looking for. But wait - as is always the case with France, there's more to the story.

France: Minimal force used in Ivory Coast

The head of France's armed forces, Gen. Henri Bentegeat, acknowledged Friday for the first time that his soldiers opened fire to hold back what he called a "pack of looters, rapists and uncontrollable or manipulated people" attacking foreigners in Abidjan.

Naturally. Those barbarous little brown people were either berserk or brainwashed, so regrettably this wholesale slaughter could not be avoided. It is a shame that these wayward children cannot conduct themselves in a civilized fashion and must require the stern, but loving parent of France to slap their wrists - but what else can France do? You may slide off the hook for this one, Kerry, but your bacon's still on the griddle.

I'm certain that we should all be thankful for the miracle that apparently none of these attacked foreigners appear to have been hurt. It's probably not so miraculous, I'm sure that the little brown ones are just so horribly inept that they simply didn't manage to hurt anyone, but the intent was all there. I guess that just leaves one question, then - if France didn't do it, where did 60 bodies come from?

But he told Europe-1 radio the soldiers did "the absolute minimum" in self-defense and alleged that gunmen in the crowds killed "a very large number" of people.

Of course, forgive me. I should have understood at once that the frenzied mob of little brown people was so completely unhinged that the loyalists were killing themselves and each other. How could I even dream that French troops were involved? We may all sleep soundly now that reality has been redefined favorably to France.